Kathy(new one, never mentioned before)
Where to start, where to start. Well it is currently 4:10 in the morning, and I had been lying awake in bed for 15 minutes or so composing a letter in my head of what I would like to tell you. I will frequently compose such letters in my head in the past in order to sort through thoughts, and also to help myself realize what I am feeling.
Last night you said you though I was disappointed in you, and I had thought that was such a minor part of where that was going I figured go back to writing things out and in that way allowing myself some time to think and also read what I have thought. (major run-on, but not sure how to best break it up, so deal with it) There have been a couple girls I have known online only who I wrote to frequently and were the recipient of letters such as this one. Currently this one is going to be pages long if it all comes out of my head. Actually this is probably going into my blog and then I will tell you about it tonight.
Some things here are not going to be fully explained but I will try to touch on a couple ideas I have thought of. I want you to better understand who I am and hope I don’t come across as too much of an insecure looser. I have always told friends that anyone who I date it quite a bit off, as no sane person would date me.
How have I dealt with my injury. I hate my memory a lot of the time. Brain farts is what I refer to the most frequent impact. Those times when you think of something that you want to say, but in waiting a few more seconds for the other person to pause so you can comment, then forgetting what I wanted to say. Those happen a lot more now, than they ever did before. I like writing as I am doing now so I can refresh my memory and find out what I actually said. Right now and even near the last of our conversation last night I was wishing I could rehear word for word what I said. When I get this done I can reread it and add key lines to make it actually follow as a idea.
Partly for that reason, and party because pre skiing fall I was always a very passive and quiet person, I was never the best at communicating with others until I felt comfortable around them. There are many qualities about you, that I would want to be in my idea girl. First of all, you seemed attracted to me. Physically you are beautiful. I love sitting across from you and looking into your eyes, and your body is great. Having an interest in bdsm, and seeing you at ground zero along with liquid courage was the reason I first wanted to talk to you. Those things formed a basic attraction, which grew as I learned how educated you are. Some things like the smoking and you having a daughter are qualities my ideal woman would not have, but I have also learned that my ideal woman also lives only in my head. I’m glad you are quitting and I will try to help. I want to kiss you, and depending on when the last smoke was, that could change.
The last girl, Gretel, I was seeing told me once about having drunken sex with someone at a wedding party one weekend while we were together. I don’t like change. My managers at FedEx know it, and it has created problems in the past. ‘No’ is the easiest response there until I sit back and evaluate alternative ways around the situation. After that, I’m often more civil in my response, but didn’t always wait to be able to reach compromises. I do have a temper, though it is extremely rare that it is shown in violence and I could pretty much never hit a girl, though there is one police report concerning me hitting one that I really doubt your mom will be able to find, and I’m not going to mention here because I like that story and want to tell it in person. There were handcuffs involved.
Long way back to where I was going earlier. Gretel had a boyfriend commit suicide between me meeting her and giving her a random valentines present and taking her out on a date. She worked in receiving at the U of MN so I saw her pretty much daily and it was one of the rare stops I wasn’t concerned with getting out of there as fast as possible. When we started dating she said she didn’t want a boyfriend at this time in her life. She would still call me up and ask if I wanted company a couple times a week. I was broken when she told me she had been with another and until talking with Dale, and others, I didn’t realize my options. The two of us had a good thing going, and I should have been happy to have it continue as more of a friends with benefits things like what she thought of it instead of trying to make it into more of a serious relationship. I lost her soon after, as was bound to happen, I also learned to leave good things as they are. Why mess one up when both parties are happy.
Because of that I am wanting to get to know you more and to share my thoughts. I know from past experiences I can fall for a girl too fast to soon and then pretty much scare her away, and I’m fearing I may do that to you here soon. Right now I’m unsure if you will get this or not today.
Tonight if we meet I may have to insist on being more physical. I love that goodnight hug I get from you and have been wanting to curl up on the couch next to you and just wrap my arms around you. I hope you are someone who can deal with that.
Well it’s 5am now, and I’m going to jump in the shower so I wake up more and also think. Then I may remember more of what I want to say before I decide what to do with this post. Wow, just went to my blog. Last post June 20, 07. I had issues then and know I still have some now.
What more to add now that I am clean. Only though of various antidotes. Time to edit to make this readable, store it somewhere on cyber land, and then later today text you and tell you how to find it.
Random thought. I need to try out my bad pick up line.
After the re-read I like what I wrote and I see there isn’t any big deal here. You have been the biggest thing on my mind since meeting you and I tend to get bothered by things. An unpleasant comment by a customer can ruin the rest of the day for me, as I focus on that in my head and nothing else. I am a pessimist. My model is hope for the best and expect the worst. I know it is not the best, but take it or leave it. It’s who I am.
I need to start writing again. I feel great now. I’m going to head to work after posting this. Almost 6am J
